


Belonging

by Houseofmalfoy



Series: Only Love: Cissa and her Lions [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Gender Dysphoria, Good Narcissa Black Malfoy, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mental Health Issues, Multi, Narcissa Black Malfoy-centric, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Trans Female Character, Trans Narcissa Black Malfoy, Young Narcissa Black Malfoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25153939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Houseofmalfoy/pseuds/Houseofmalfoy
Summary: It's Remus who makes her feel like she belongs.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans/Narcissa Black Malfoy/Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, Remus Lupin/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Series: Only Love: Cissa and her Lions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1822186
Comments: 10
Kudos: 17





	Belonging

It’s been a year and a half since she turned her back on the Black family and the life she thought she was destined for; two years since she told the four people she’d fallen in love with that it couldn’t be, wouldn’t be, that she’d made up her mind and her choice wasn’t them; three years since she’d begun falling in love with Lily, James, Sirius, and sweet Remus Lupin.

Today, she supposes the way they live seems odd to the rest of the world, but these people have since taught her to not care as much about the rest of the world as she cares about herself and the people who truly matter. For a while Sirius lived with James and Lily while she and Remus shared his small flat, but that arrangement had been traded for a shared townhouse in muggle London rather quickly. Paid for by Black family funds, which Narcissa guesses makes their family even more furious.

It’s been quite a ride since those first kisses in the halls of Hogwarts, since arguments with Sirius over their family and their connection and his friends and everything else they could think of, since prefect rounds with Lily and Remus that she now knows started this all. It’s been a while since then, but she’s only grown more glad for her decisions.

Out of the four of them, it's Remus who Narcissa is most comfortable with. 

She barely knew him at Hogwarts. Was closer to Sirius for all the obvious and all the wrong reasons, was closer to Lily Evans in stolen moments filled with kisses they swore to never tell a soul about. That promise had been broken all too quickly, but it hardly mattered now.

Remus and she were friends of sort; acquaintances was a better word perhaps. They shared a love of puns and reading, and he had once told her she was the only one who listened with both genuine interest  _ and  _ understanding when he talked about History of Magic and classical mythology. 

What began as a cautious friendship in their final year of Hogwarts, getting to know one another on a mere surface level over nighttime prefect duties as they ignored James' and Lily's absences after the pair of them had finally gotten together, turns into a shelter from the storm and unexpected kindness when she shows up late in the evening at  _ his  _ flat of all places. 

It's a small flat with one bedroom and it hasn't been cleaned that day and perhaps if she’d been in a better place or if this had been anyone else she would have sneered at it. Instead, Narcissa stumbles inside with tears in her eyes, her breathing so irregular it dizzies her, and her heart beating erratically enough that she feels she might collapse at any moment because she's left her family  _ minutes  _ ago and it already feels like she made the mistake of a lifetime. 

They build a friendship when he offers tea and a tight embrace when she's alright enough to accept it, when he lets her stay the night curled up in his queen size bed and offers to take the couch; an offer she refuses because the  _ last  _ thing she needs is to be all alone right now. They find understanding when her body shocks with sobs that she wishes he wasn't there to witness but is oddly glad he is, she finds welcoming arms when she calms down to a numb state of quietness and he almost looks like he understands that, too.

She talks to him and it's better and it’s easier than when she talks to Sirius about any of this. Remus might not share her trauma nor her history in the Black family as personally as Sirius does, but he never yells at her and she doesn't feel the need to be defensive with him and none of her confessions end in a repetition of the same age-old argument of  _ who's more like the family? who's most likely to fuck up? _

Sirius has always known her so well, but it'll take time and effort before they're able to be gentle with each other instead of blaming the other for everything that’s wrong and everything they are;  _ Remus  _ may not know her initially, but he cares enough to learn and it's all she can ask for. Narcissa hasn't often felt seen in such vulnerability and still with such  _ gentleness  _ as the boy with his soft brown curls and kind light eyes that she's slowly falling in love with. 

He learns. Remus learns what compliments or questions remind her of her mother's criticism, what triggers her dysphoria and the crumbling of a self-worth she's so carefully trying to piece back together; he learns which of her tight-lipped smiles signal amusement and which  _ I’m not okay, please hold my hand _ ; he learns that her nails dig into her palms so tightly they leave scars when she's trying, really trying, to keep her composure because she hasn't realised yet that she doesn't have to anymore. 

In turn, it's Narcissa who understands better than any of the others the crippling feeling of being a  _ burden  _ Remus carries with him when the moon gets closer; Narcissa who understands  _ needing help _ but being so afraid to feel  _ helpless _ , of always waiting for the moment the others will finally decide it's been  _ enough  _ with their problems. It's Narcissa who never questions it when he refuses to take off his shirt due to his scars, when Lily wonders why because "we've seen you naked before, love" and it's Cissa who knows that  _ some days are worse than others _ , some days it's too much to even see yourself. 

To their own surprise no less than the others' they understand each other far better than either of them could have seen coming. Sharp wit, an interest in history and mythology, nearly having been sorted into ravenclaw, being hopelessly and desperately in love with Sirius Black, and the mutual understanding that they're  _ not _ too much and they're  _ not  _ a burden and some days they're  _ not _ okay and that will never be the final straw. 

Sirius is hers. He’s memories of childhood trauma they share and he’s first kisses and painful reminders of a time she can’t get back, he’s reckless and passionate and he  _ loves  _ her and they’re still learning how to do that without breaking each other apart. 

Lily is a kindred spirit with apple blossom cheeks and bell bottom jeans and wild dark red Narcissa can’t ever get enough of; she is walks to the nearby bakery when she needs a break from the ever-busy household and trips to muggle thrift shops she never imagined setting foot in. She's new beginnings at just the right time.

James is little emotional attachment. He’s a handsome face filled with distrust when she and Sirius are at each other’s throats, eyes that only soften when she’s in Lily’s or Remus’ presence. He’s distant until he’s impossibly close because their relationship, initially at least, has always been more physical than emotional. 

It's Remus who makes her feel like she belongs. Remus who Narcissa turns to when she needs someone to acknowledge that she’s  _ trying  _ even when it doesn’t look like it; Remus whose arms she seeks out when she’s reminded of old friends and old family she’ll never see again and she needs reminding that it’s  _ okay  _ to be hurting over that. 

It’s Remus she knows exactly what to tell when he feels everything too strongly after a full moon, and it’s Remus she fucks when he’s still half-dressed because though she thinks his scars look good on him she’d never  _ push _ . Remus who she’ll gladly tell a thousand times how loved he is, how  _ wanted _ .

There are days they spend entirely in bed when their bad days match up perfectly. Days where the war is too close and Remus feels too much like “one of James’ fucking charity projects” and can’t stand that pity and Narcissa can’t shake off the feeling that she doesn’t belong, she can’t belong,  _ she’ll never belong  _ with these people. 

Days where she doesn’t come downstairs because the choice between expensive robes she  _ loves  _ and muggle fashion she’s also grown to  _ adore _ are equally wrong and equally  _ not her  _ anymore and going back to bed is easier than going downstairs feeling like they’re all judging her. Days where Remus flinches when James throws his arm around his shoulder and ends up joining her in the bedroom they claimed without saying a word, red and tired eyes that betray he hasn’t slept all night when he asks carefully if he can kiss her and quietly lays down beside her, giving her the space she needs, when she shakes her head. 

She loves them all in different ways, Narcissa learns. 

She loves James when she’s in the kitchen and he starts dancing with her, when they’re laughing carelessly and for a moment the distrust that’s in his eyes when he watches her with Lily or Sirius melts away when carefree laughter turns to him lifting her up on the kitchen counter, kissing her like he’d never want to do anything else. 

She loves Lily when she’s talking about her favourite muggle authors and artists with such enthusiasm that it doesn’t matter Narcissa has no idea who she’s talking about, when they listen to records together and the way Lily’s vivid green eyes shine is all she needs to understand why people love this music. 

She loves Sirius even when no one else would guess she did if they only saw their fights; truly, genuinely, all-consumingly  _ loves _ him. She’s loved his rebellious spark from the day she was old enough to recognise it, the courage his carelessness for the family’s ideals gave her when she needed it most, the smell of his leather jacket that linger on her skin long after he’s stormed out the door when they went too far,  _ again _ . 

She loves Remus through everything. Loves his kind, green eyes that spot flecks of gold when the full moon gets closer, his never ending questions to be sure she’s  _ okay  _ with how he handles her when she’s vulnerable. Narcissa loves him when he refuses to listen to any of their attempts to convince him how much he means to them, even when it breaks her heart to know exactly how he doubts himself. 

In her not at all humble opinion, Remus’ scars make him look good, make him look like  _ him _ , but she knows too well what it’s like to not be able to look at yourself even when others insist you’re  _ you _ to ever push that. Narcissa thinks he looks every bit as irresistible when they make love and he’s still wearing his ironed shirt, he’s every bit as attractive as he always is because he’s  _ him _ and it’s all she can for. 

He’s her favourite, Narcissa thinks. If she’s allowed to have a favourite, it’s Remus. 

He’s more compassionate and more kind to her than Sirius is; there’s no snide remarks when she overdresses for no reason in particular and no accusations of  _ being just like them  _ when she’s already stumbling over apologies for things she didn’t mean to say. Sirius and Remus both  _ understand _ her, but where that understanding makes Sirius angry, it makes Remus gentle. 

He’s an emotional match to her that she doubts James will ever be, not with the way James and Lily and Sirius seem to fit so seamlessly together most of the time. He  _ gets _ her in ways that Lily tries, tries so hard, but never quite gets right. Remus is cashmere jumpers she insists on buying for him and soft curls between her fingers when he kisses her and he’s playful fights over muggle books he introduces her to. 

She loves him, more than she’d deemed possible when they’d first met, more than she’d deemed possible when she first moved in with him, more than she expected to but every bit as much as she supposes she was always meant to. 

She loves him, too, when he calls her out on the countless of things she still does  _ wrong _ , the things she says that are hurtful and the way she uses people without realising she’s doing it; loves him even when tears are stinging behind her eyes because he tells her off without hesitation but he always knows what she needs when she  _ knows _ she’s not quite there yet. 

Narcissa falls head over heels in love with Remus Lupin over time, falls in love with sarcasm that rivals her own and a gentle way of taking no one’s bullshit that she’ll never be able to copy and scars that run across pale skin. She falls in love with a never-ending desire he has to learn more about her every day and protective arms that hold her when the world is too much and the dimples in his cheeks when she makes him smile. 

She’s in love with the lot of them; in love with James Potter and Lily Evans and Sirius Black just like she’s in love with the boy with ironed socks and her interest in history, and she’s not sure if she’s allowed to have a favourite lion but she doesn’t think it’s a problem that it’s Remus’ arms she’d run to first, time and time again. 

If it is, it’s a mistake she’d gladly make. Remus would be right there for her if she did. 


End file.
